As billions listened to our radio program this morning, I unveiled my TV Sports Viewing Value Chart, which turned out to be highly controversial. The idea was born from a Corby tweet, wondering about the sanity of anyone choosing to watch an early-season Rangers/Astros (Astros!) game instead of the Final Round of the Masters. I agreed with his sentiment, adding that, in my view, only Ron Washington had a valid excuse for not watching the Masters. Tackling this sports problem meant retreating to my laboratory to develop the following chart. If you follow this chart, you will be a well-rounded sports fan. If you often find yourself in violation of this chart, you may need to reassess your life (Dr. Carlton Maxwell is an outstanding Sports Psychologist, and he's accepting new clients as I write this).
This chart is similar to a Poker Hand Value Chart. Please do you best to abide by it, and please report any violators of the chart to the proper authorities. You may not have much crossover between sporting events, because of the seasonal schedules. However, if you find yourself with a Masters vs Rangers problem on your hands, consult the chart.
Royal Flush
The Super Bowl. The highest sporting event hand possible, it trumps all other contests. This should be obvious.
Straight Flush
All other championship events in major team sports: World Series, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, NCAA Football and Basketball (the deeper the series goes, the higher the hand--in other words, a Game Seven always trumps a Game Three). Also note that, based on popularity, NFL events rank higher than the others, with MLB and NBA being even, and NHL events ranking fourth--this system applies throughout the chart).
Four of a Kind
Anything else down the team sport playoff ladder: AFC/NFC Championships, followed by earlier rounds; ALCS/NLCS, followed by earlier playoff rounds; NBA/NHL Conference Finals, followed by earlier rounds, Final Four football and basketball, followed by earlier rounds.
Full House
Cowboys regular season game. Applicable in these parts only. The Cowboys are so big (insert joke here) and play so few regular season games, that each one is a major event. The only exception is if it's a meaningless, late-season game when they are resting all of their starters for the playoffs (insert joke here).
Regular Flush
Golf Major, Final Round; Ryder Cup; Big regular season college or NFL game (OU vs TX, NE vs DEN, etc).
Straight
Regular season "playoff push" game--usually only in the last month of a season, for NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB, major college sports.
Three of a Kind
Tennis Grand Slam Final, Daytona 500, Indy 500, Horse Racing Triple Crown event, Tour de France, European Soccer League important match. Any slightly more fringe sport--the major events in these sports should always trump basic regular season action in the major sports.
Two Pair
Regular season, non-playoff push, Mavs, Rangers, Stars games; also regular season, non-important college football action. Games against teams like the Sixers, Astros and Panthers are worth less than games against the Thunder, Red Sox and Blues.
One Pair
Non-major golf event, tennis event, NASCAR race, etc. Schedule-fodder events.
High Card
Regular season college basketball.
Crap Hand
High school sports, Little League World Series.
Wild Cards
Olympics, World Cup. These events are so big, and held every four years, that they don't really fit into the chart. So, you are free to watch them above or below any other sporting events, with impunity.
This is the official end of the chart. Godspeed.
Special Author's Note: This chart is to be taken in a general sense. I understand that there will be "special occasion" games that may cause the value of the hand to change a bit. For example: Corby wearing a mohawk may make a Mavs regular season game more interesting than the Columbus/Pitt NHL playoff pairing. I am willing to give in certain situations, but, IN GENERAL, this chart should be followed as closely as possible to ensure optimum sports-viewing health.
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Thank you Junior. I want to follow these rules, so I just want to get some clarification. What if I have Wimbledon Final, Tour de France, and World Cup all going on at the same time? The schedules line up where all three could happen this July.
ReplyDeleteLet us all thank the Junes for his courage.
ReplyDeleteNice list! Don't forget: all women's sports=crap hand
ReplyDeleteAgree, except women's tennis may occasionally rise above a crap hand if a hot is in the filed
DeleteGiven that you don't include the Champions League Final, European Championship Final or the World Cup Final either speaks to your U.S.-centric bias or just your limited knowledge, appreciation and understanding of Football. Probably better that you stick to what you know in any case."Important European Soccer League match" is both inaccurate and doesn't really cover it.
ReplyDeleteAmen. Completely agree.
DeleteSo, you're accusing me of having a bias regarding something I wrote for my own blog? Got it.
DeleteIn America,football is called football and soccer is of course called soccer.
DeleteI'm pleased and mildly surprised to see that two soccer events are included your sports viewing chart. I obviously would include FC Dallas up in the Four of a Kind/Full House region, and MLS cup as a Straight Flush, but hey, it's your chart. As Navin R. Johnson would say, "I'm just happy soccer is in there somewhere."
ReplyDeleteTrue. The only European Football worth discussing is rugby! Don't miss the USA National Champ Series in Dallas! http://www.texasrugbyunion.com/2014/04/08/usa-round-of-8-in-dallas-irving-tx-may-17-18-2014/
ReplyDelete#courage
ReplyDeleteDoes this chart come in chart form for quick reference in a tight situation?
ReplyDeleteIf not you really should make one
DeleteGolf and Tennis are a pair of sevens at best. ...Unless you are in need of a nap of course.
ReplyDeleteI love you Jane!
ReplyDeleteSo a regular season Cowboys game is ranked higher than the Masters? Around here, you are probably sadly correct.
ReplyDeleteIts apparent that Junes has not been to a Texas high school playoff game lately. Thats the best bang for your buck.
ReplyDelete"Television Sports Viewing Value Chart"
DeleteIf there's someone out there paying to watch high school sporting events on television, he has my sympathy.
Would you consider adding boxing or mixed martial arts to your chart?
ReplyDeletePretty good and informative chart.
ReplyDeleteYou just lost a listener.
I agree with you mostly but I admit I would watch a regular season cowboy game over the three ahead of it on most days if I had a chance.
ReplyDelete